That City Boy

I had a conversation the other day with a close friend. He’s a serial monogamist and cannot understand why I haven’t found that ‘special’ person yet. I thought I’d share a few of my reasons here. I know everyone won’t agree with me and that is just fine.

I’m single because I haven’t found that person with the right collection of qualities and settling for less just doesn’t work for me. I’m not so euphorically delusional that I think one person embody all of my wishes and desires but I do need at least a majority representation. Here’s what I’m after:

Finance

Please don’t confuse this with the idea that I’m looking to be financed cause nothing could be further from the truth. What I do want is a level of financial independence and maturity. I need to be with someone that can stand on their own two feet. Someone that knows how to prioritise their expenses yet still enjoy their income. Someone that lives within their means but knows how to maximise the value of their spending. Sure this may sound simple enough but I cannot tell you how many times I’ve met guys that have expected me to ‘help them out’ merely because their expenses are in a mess. I don’t want to have to help you, I want to have an option of helping you. Yes I do believe in working together financially but many have the mistaken idea that this is immediately. On the other hand, I don’t want to be with someone that is so exact that we have to split every bill down to the penny. In an ideal world I’d like to be in a situation where finances need not even be mentioned; I pay sometimes, you pay sometimes, we both pay our own way and everything balances naturally because there is not actual financial burden on any part.

Values & Motivation

I need to be with someone that actually stands for something and wants something out of life. You could want to be a businessman or a criminal but you must know what you want. I never said that I would agree with what you want or would even want the same thing, in fact that may determine whether we become an item. My problem with this is that if you don’t know what you want then I can’t know what we’re working together for. I’ve met enough people that have no Idea where they want to be in life and we all know how senseless it is to get in a car with someone if you don’t know their destination. Also, knowing what someone stands for allows you to know what you can tolerate.

Perspective

I need to know what the person’s idea of dating is. In most same sex relationships, dating is a euphemism for fucking. I cannot tell you how may times I’ve met guys that thought that us dating meant them coming to my house for sex followed by TV. On the rare occasions we might just make it to a club before coming home to fuck. I’ve always been amused by this. For me dating is an investment in to know someone. Its about creating dialogue and sharing moments that turn into memories. Its about getting out and doing different things together. In my opinion this is one of the major reasons why these ‘relationships’ fail; when you look back all that ever was there is sex and once that dopamine fuelled enjoyment fades there’s nothing left to build on. I know how to differentiate love from lust and once I realise that a guy lacks this ability, I’m usually out the door.

Intellect

Before I go on let me clarify that intellect and education are not the same thing. I have no problems dating a secondary school drop-out provided he has the intellect to appreciate the things going on around him and to make sensible decisions for his own welfare. I have no qualms stating that I have low tolerance for stupid or ignorant people. If our conversations are limited to music and television, its probably not going to work.

By no means is this a complete list but if you’ve made it this far then you probably following my trend of thought.

I got a call, a telephone call today… Ok pardon my corny introductory throwback to the 90s song by Shai (I wonder what ever became of that group anyway). But on a serious note, I did get a call today from a guy I used to know. We met about a back and started to get to know each other. We started talking about relationship stuff and realised we weren’t on the same page with what we wanted so he just flat out cut me off. He wasn’t rude about it or anything but the calls and text messages stopped coming and mine went unanswered. Gradually I moved on and put him out of my mind. It’s not hard to miss something you’ve never really had and although I kind of regretted us not having sex, I was glad he hadn’t gotten that part of me.

Fast forward to today…he calls me up telling me how much he’s missed talking to me and how we haven’t hung out for such a long time. He had found himself reflecting on how good our brief friendship had been and how much he really wanted to see me again. *Yawn*

I’m a smart guy and I’ve always been a very perceptive person, even as a child. To compound that, as I got into my late teens I became more obsessed with body language and intuition. I started reading books and although books don’t teach you everything, they awaken the right senses and make you pay more attention to the things and people around you. I’m not saying I’m an expert or anything but I can usually perceive a situation very quickly and it doesn’t take me long to see through a lie. This comes with its own complexities since it causes me to not trust easily and to raise my guards at the slightest inclination that someone is not being honest with me.

So when I get a call out of the blue, with someone dying to spend time with me after such abrupt and prolonged absence I knew something wasn’t right. The appropriate banter and probing questions revealed that he had just ended a relationship a week earlier and in my opinion was lonely. His desire for us to hang out at his house to ‘catch up’ made it sneakily obvious that this jackass was trying to line me up as a rebound fuck. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem being someone’s rebound fuck but only if I’m a willing participant. I’m abhorred at someone trying to deceive me into sex through the guise of friendship.

So did I go to his house and have sex? Hell no. Funny enough I am still sexually attracted to him and there’s a part of me that would love to ‘test the waters’ but now he has burnt that bridge because my ego will never allow me to willingly be a ‘victim’. So you see, as your mother probably told you…honesty is the best policy!

Sometimes you ask yourself a question and then a song plays and the words give you the answer you’ve been searching for (even if it’s only the chorus)…

I shouldn’t want him but I do. I shouldn’t miss him but I do. I can do better, I deserve better, I’ll hold out for better. Its easy to say those things in your mind but putting them into action are much harder.

He chased me for months but I refused to take him seriously. He seemed too superficial, intellectually shallow and generally not at all my type. He was a pest; you know that type that keeps trying to make conversation with you even though you’ve made it painfully clear that you have no interest whatsoever. I avoided him like a plague, ignored him and although I never forgot my manners; I spared no opportunity to remind him to keep his distance. Then it happened.

He cornered me. Asked me what my problem was and why I wouldn’t give him the time of day. He straight up asked me why I didn’t like him. The truth is that I didn’t have an answer. Its like when someone you don’t really know sneezes in front of you and you decide from that moment that they’re disgusting and you’ll never eat from them (even though sneezing is completely natural and unavoidable). There was just something about him that I never liked for some reason and therefore I just never wanted to be bothered. He ‘called me out’ and told me to read the book before judging it. He showed me his intellect, ambition, masculinity, and overall sweet nature. I melted and it didn’t take long for me to realise that he was what I’ve wanted all along; just disguised in different packaging. There was no question left in mind, I was hooked.

We seemed to be getting along well and everything was fine but then things just changed. He stopped pursuing me; no more ‘how are you doing calls’, no more interesting debates, nothing. I didn’t chase him and he didn’t pursue me. Its like as quickly as it began it was over. I accepted it and moved on.

A few weeks after, I’ve discovered that he’s been asking about me and knowing his pattern of thinking, I expect that I’ll get a call soon. I don’t know what to do…Its like finding that book you misplaced when you had only gotten halfway through. I still want more but feel that he doesn’t deserve more. Trying to be an adult is often harder than just being one.

I’m in love with this song. It makes me yearn to be loved, held, kissed and romantically spoilt. Its enough that I’ve always had serious a crush on John Legend but even more because I first heard it at the end of the film ‘Think like a Man’. After watching the film, I got the book but honestly haven’t had the time to fully read it. I do recommend that you read it though…not everyone will agree with the book’s approach but I think it does ignite the right ideas.

I know its corny but watching that film actually made me re-evaluate some things in my life. Who do I really want to be with? Are my expectations too high? Am I too sexually liberal? What’s holding me back from being where I want to be, with whom I want to be and having what I want to have. These are questions we can rarely seriously answer but just trying will cut you down to size like a hot knife through butter.

The truth is that although I’m often envious of what others have or where they have gotten in life, I’ve accomplished so much more in my life than ever I thought I would have. I haven’t gone completely down the paths I expected but new paths have redefined my objectives. I’m still not where I want to be but I’m a hell of a lot further than where I started out. However as successful as one can be in life, it doesn’t automatically equate to success in love. I often say that London is one of the biggest and loneliest cities in the world. Its not at all hard to get a man in my bed here but its like hell trying to find one that will stay there (the right one that is). I can honestly say that at least 75% of the guys in my phone that I can call on for a quick fix are in ‘relationships’. Maybe I’m selfish knowing that but still enjoying the fix but it is what it is. I often wonder if that’s what will become of my life and potential relationships. I never understand it…why commit if you want to fuck other people. Actually I did meet a guy that ‘ticked all the boxes’ for me but I turned him down because as it was getting serious he wanted that ‘open door’ caveat. I’m sorry but I feel I’m worth more than that, and I definitely want to be valued more than that. Call me hypocrite, I don’t have a problem with couples spicing up their sex lives with threesomes and open doors but I feel that it something that comes along as the relationship strengthens and shouldn’t be mentioned at the outset of a relationship.

I look back on my life a few years ago and remember sex being a sport or hobby for me but now I’m losing the desire for random conquests. Maybe I’m changing, maybe I’m getting older…only time will tell.

Dopamine is hormone but it should be classified as a drug. Once under its influence, you see the world in a completely different way. The grass is greener, the air is cleaner and even the most derisive situations seem perfectly sensible. Its not entirely a bad thing, since a short escape from the real world is often the cheapest holiday you can get. The problem comes when the dopamine begins to fade; when you realize that things aren’t what you thought they were. For someone like me, if not managed properly this can be highly detrimental.

I’m a very strong person. I rarely get stressed, state my opinions openly (but respectfully), embrace challenges and come up with solutions on the spot. I’m a rock for so many people in my life. I achieve this because my heart is wrapped in so many layers of Teflon that it could probably survive a nuclear attack. The problem for me happens when I bare my heart. I’m often betrayed by the people I trust, often hurt by the people I love and often disappointed by my expectations common decency.

I made a rare decision to open my mind and heart completely to someone recently. I felt that it was wrong of me to continually brush someone off without giving them a decent chance to show me who they were. I felt that in order for me to grow, I needed a chance to be in touch with my emotions and allow someone to get close to me. Now I find myself in a situation where for the first in a long time, I’m not in control and I have no idea what is going on. For the first time in a very long time I feel completely alone. The signs are there that this won’t end well, but after enjoying the feeling of being wanted by someone I’m fighting the reluctance of giving up. Dopamine does that to you. It dangles the things you want in front of you and leaves you with that craving for it to be real.

I’ve never done drugs do I’m far from understanding addiction but somehow I know that if I don’t leave now on my own, as this dopamine continues to fade I will become a strung out junkie with a broken heart.

I sit here with about ten thoughts racing through my mind at the same time. Maybe this is what schizophrenia is like. No, I’m not mentally ill…at least I hope not. I’ve never felt so vulnerable in all my life. This can’t be right, I’m strong, indomitable, defiant…at least I usually am. So what’s wrong with me; well I met a guy.

It is said that sometimes the best person for you is the person you’ve ignored all along. I never really cared about this because for a long time I had given up on that person ever showing up. As far as I was concerned, after enough trial and errors I resolved that the only thing a man would be able to give me was a few moments of pleasure. This theory was working fine for me until I met ‘him’. He had pursued me for almost a year. At first I didn’t trust him, and avoided him at all costs…but then something changed and after deep thought and conversation I decided to open my eyes and see him differently. It was refreshing, he was not like all the other guys; he seemed to have a good mix of intelligence and street smarts, manners and masculinity and a indescribable appeal that was overly alluring. On the face of it he wasn’t really my usual type but he seemed to be worth ripping the rulebook. Our conversations were good, I felt wanted but not smothered. For the first in a very long time I actually started considering a relationship. This frightened me, I’m so used to being by myself and not having to make time for anyone else that I wondered if I could do it. I’m not naive and we’d only been seriously talking for about two weeks so while taking it slowly, I still kept an open mind. Then it happened…

After building up to spending time together, the evening came. The evening seemed to be going good then everything changed and I suddenly felt pushed away. I couldn’t pinpoint what had gone wrong. I couldn’t think of anything I had done or anything that had been said. I was like he was suddenly bipolar. What now? How am I meant to react? My first defense is always to remove myself from anything uncomfortable, but is that the right course of action for potential relationships? What do I say to him now when he calls me (if he calls me)? Is this a discussion point for the next conversation…or do I ‘forgive and forget’? I just want to scream…its like I’m swimming in a sea of emotion. Am I built for this?

I fucked up today. I was doing so good at this celibacy thing, but then I had one of those days when I just needed something to throw my mind in another direction. I called up this guy that has always been an easy fix for me. He couldn’t have been happier since I had been avoiding him for so many months now. Funny how my attitude towards casual sex had changed so much. Don’t get me wrong, I still liberal enough to enjoy a spontaneous, unattached sex but these days I need a bit more of a spark to get the best out of it. As the agreed time drew nearer, I stepped into a warm shower and it was as though the steam and the soap foam was as much of an aphrodisiac as it was a relaxant. I felt sensually alive and after moisturising with my favourite Body Shop body butter, I knew there was no turning back.

My ‘fix’ arrived on time and the fun started without hesitation. It should have felt so right but as soon as we got into it I couldn’t help but wish it was over soon. It wasn’t for lack of skill on his part but more that it just felt so physical. Although he was attractive, I didn’t really want him. I didn’t see that we could ever share anything more than a fuck. That’s the real key. Sometimes you know you won’t have something with someone but the possibility creates a connection. When you know that you don’t even want more, it just becomes so transparently carnal. Its like gambling when you know the answers…you still get the reward but minus the fun. Then it was over, and all I wanted was for him to leave so I could get back into my shower and let the steam and foam take charge again.

After washing away me earlier transgression, I lay across my bed and turned on the radio. It was as though Robin Thicke was chastising me with his soulful falsetto voice. It was like he was singing straight through me, my eyes began to well as though trying to extinguish the burn of my soul. Have I grown up in some way…is it that I’m at that point where I need more than just sex to be satisfied? I’m actually afraid now. Very afraid! Do I need love and if so, where do I even begin to look for that? This shit just got real complicated…

Sometimes the only thing worse than going through a bad situation, is watching someone else go through a bad situation. Its even worse when you can see that the person is fighting so hard for something that’s all in vain.

I sometimes look back at my life and wonder how I’ve been able to pull through so many bad situations. Somehow I’ve always managed to find the strength to walk away. The courage to believe that there’s something better in store for me. The wisdom to know that my most important thing in the world is me and especially my sanity.

I’m a natural fighter with indomitable strength. Its a gift and a curse at the same time. I’m always cautious of people and situations. I’m immediately suspicious when someone shows interest in me. I often have to remind myself that I deserve to have nice things and to be treated in the right way. I’m also a fixer. I always try to make things better for me and everyone around me. Because of this, I’m often a target for opportunistic people and hence I’m cautious. Its a vicious cycle.

Recently I met a guy that was interested in me. I can’t tell whether I ran him off because he misunderstood me or because he realised he couldn’t take advantage of me. In a conversation I told him I would only date someone that was ambitious, financially stable and mature. I explained that I couldn’t be with someone that couldn’t afford to do the things that I like to do. This led to a somewhat basic argument and then I stopped hearing from him. For me it had nothing to do with needing someone to finance me, in fact quite the opposite. I just feel that after so many attempts at dating people that had nothing and were comfortable with it, I now feel I need someone that enjoys the same things I do without me struggling to pay their way for the pleasure. I’m done with giving and never receiving a decent return.

So now I’m watching someone being used in a similar fashion. For me, a natural fixer, I want to just pull the blindfold off. Even more difficult sometimes, is knowing when to step back and let people fall on their own swords and either die or have a wound as a reminder.

About a year ago I met a guy. He seemed to be just what I was looking for; mature, financially stable, cultured, educated, ambitious and attractive. We went on a few dates and it felt like God had been listening and was rewarding me for something. Our conversations turned to serious dating and what we both wanted, didn’t want and expected. Unfortunately this is where things turned left. He apparently would only commit to a relationship that was open and involved threesomes. I’m a bit liberal and don’t have a problem with an occasional threesome, but could not agree to this being a basis of a relationship. Call me old-fashioned but I need an element of jealousy in a relationship. I need to know that the thought of me and another person together would drive my partner crazy. I could not seriously commit to someone that from day one is asking me to fuck someone else; in that case why even be in a committed relationship. From that point the phone calls and text messages became less and distant until we ultimately stopped talking and he moved to the rear of my mind.

On Friday night/Saturday morning around 1:30AM, I received a text message from him asking me how I was doing etc. I’m always cautious about first messages I get at ‘booty call’ hours from people I rarely speak to. These are the messages you tend to get when people are either lonely or horny and start scrolling through the names on their phone-book until they come to someone they can get with. Needless to say I ignored the message and responded at a respectable hour.

He continued with small talk asking how I was and what was new with me etc. Then moving on to whether I was single etc. He revealed that he had just finished a serious relationship (which I estimate started either while we were going out of soon after, although it didn’t matter cause we were never serious). It was somewhat funny to me that his relationship had only ended last month and now he was texting me. Again another red flag; who would want to entertain someone immediately after a serious relationship unless you’re looking to be a rebound fuck.

His conversation then turned to when we could meet up and see each other etc. Honestly, I have no interest. I have no problem with casual sex and had he hit me up and said ‘I just broke up with someone and want to fuck, are you interested’, I might have gone with it gotten some fun from it. On the other hand, could he really think that I’m so naive to get excited by a guy that stopped talking to me cause I couldn’t commit to him fucking me and everyone else, who just broke up with someone and came across my number randomly while trolling his phone. Please don’t confuse me with your average fuck, its demeaning.